{"id":1215,"date":"2010-01-03T22:45:13","date_gmt":"2010-01-04T02:45:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heroesinrehab.ca\/blog\/?p=1215"},"modified":"2010-01-04T00:33:07","modified_gmt":"2010-01-04T04:33:07","slug":"pierre-mcguire-if-i-told-you-once-i-only-have-six-thousand-more-times-to-go","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/heroesinrehab.ca\/blog\/2010\/01\/03\/pierre-mcguire-if-i-told-you-once-i-only-have-six-thousand-more-times-to-go\/","title":{"rendered":"Pierre McGuire: If I Told You Once, I Only Have Six Thousand More Times to Go"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"pierre_mcguire\"<\/a>

TSN'S Pierre McGuire, with piehole semi-closed (photo obviously retouched).<\/p><\/div>\n

Proposed: \u00a0a new verb, “to McGuire<\/strong>” (v. tran.<\/em>); to repeat or reiterate a concept an inordinate number of times, so as to induce vomiting, rickets and spontaneous human combustion among those within earshot of the speaker’s voice. \u00a0An eponym, from the bald-headed pedantic broadcaster who apparently refuses to believe that anyone could possibly absorb the full substance of his exclamations after but \u00a0a single iteration.<\/p>\n

Canada’s leading non-medical cause of tinnitus, Pierre McGuire, was in peak aneurysm-inducing form earlier tonight during the Canada\/Switzerland World Junior Hockey Championship semi-final. Those of you who have had your ears assaulted by \u00a0Mr. McGuire’s work in the past will know that he is in fact a knowledgeable hockey person. \u00a0The problem is that he unfortunately is apparently predisposed to sharing his every thought with all the variety and nuance of an eight-year old in the backseat inquiring of the family vehicle’s progress toward Disneyland. \u00a0 \u00a0There are a number of things that drive me crazy about the content Mr. McGuire adds to TSN hockey broadcasts; \u00a0his insistence, for example, on over-intellectualizing basic concepts is infuriating. \u00a0It is absurd and asinine to refer to the act of one hockey player propelling the puck to his teammate as a “puck distribution”. \u00a0He did not “distribute” the puck, he “passed” it. \u00a0Jerk.<\/p>\n

Worse than that laughable assault upon common sense and the English language, however, is Mr. McGuire’s apparent obsessive-compulsive disorder, which evidently compels him to constantly re-visit one or more observations earlier made and thoroughly covered. \u00a0This evening, his refrain concerned the Swiss goaltender’s alleged superior “initial puck-stopping ability”, a talent so remarkable that it evidently required not one, not two and not three, but fully a half-dozen mentions by the five-minute mark of the second period. \u00a0We may have heard more about the Swiss netminder’s “initial puck-stopping ability” (and my head might have fallen right off my neck and rolled under the end table next to our couch) but Pierre was also<\/em><\/strong> essentially chanting an incantation to the effect that Canada needed to “cycle the net and not the corner”. \u00a0This particular phrase was repeated with such rhythmic urgency, consistency and frequency that I fully believed he was employing some sort of black magic spell in an effort to create an army of zombie broadcasters hell-bent on eating my brain from the inside out.<\/p>\n

The shame of it is that Mr. McGuire knows his hockey; \u00a0his analysis is not wrong, it is just unnaturally and infuriatingly recurring, like a particularly spicy bit of salami or a chili-coated Burkie dog. \u00a0Nevertheless, it won’t surprise me in the least when next season’s big winner on Dragon’s Den<\/em> is the guy who has invented an audio filter that focuses on those specific portions of the audio spectrum in which Mr. McGuire’s repetitive exclamations reside and which digitally processes the signal to remove him entirely, leaving the relieved viewer to enjoy Gord Miller’s splendid call of the World Junior games in blissful ignorance of the observation du jour<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Update: \u00a0Also, Jerry D’Amigo (a Leafs prospect, 6th-rounder) appears to be awesome. \u00a0I thought he was good in the New Year’s Eve Canada\/U.S. round-robin game, though he spent a little too much time trying to impale Nazem Kadri for my comfort; \u00a0in tonight’s game against the Swedes, he was fucking nails.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Canada’s leading non-medical cause of tinnitus, Pierre McGuire, was in peak aneurysm-inducing form earlier tonight during the Canada\/Switzerland World Junior Hockey Championship semi-final. Those of you who have had your ears assaulted by Mr. McGuire’s work in the past will know that he is in fact a knowledgeable hockey person. The problem is that he unfortunately is apparently predisposed to sharing his every thought with all the variety and nuance of an eight-year old in the backseat inquiring of the family vehicle’s progress toward Disneyland. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[50],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/heroesinrehab.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1215"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/heroesinrehab.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/heroesinrehab.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/heroesinrehab.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/heroesinrehab.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1215"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/heroesinrehab.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1215\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1218,"href":"http:\/\/heroesinrehab.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1215\/revisions\/1218"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/heroesinrehab.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1215"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/heroesinrehab.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1215"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/heroesinrehab.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1215"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}