Me and Mrs. Jones is a diary devoted to recounting my fictional alter-ego U.R.'s (hopefully humourous) adventures in "scambaiting". Briefly, the idea is to correspond with those idiots who spam the world trying to rip people off with their bogus offers of untold riches lying unclaimed in African bank accounts, fake lotteries, etc. The general idea is to waste as much of their time as possible (they aren't going to get any money out of me) and keep them busy so they can't rip off real victims; I also want to have a good laugh at their expense at the same time.
In the diary, I post the correspondence back and forth between my character and the bad guys, as well as some commentary and the occasional bit of related information that might help the reader follow along. Currently, I am narrating two storylines in this way: one (which has gone a little cold of late - my bad) initially concerned a "Mrs. Mary Jones", and a second which concerns one "Dr. Innocent Obieze". Below, you will find a quick summary of the storyline to date in each plot, so you can follow along.
| Mrs. Mary Jones |
Mary Jones: the story so far. Mary Jones contacts U.R. out of the blue and says she has a dead husband, a terminal illness, and a mega-whack of cash burning a hole in her pocket. She wants it to go to widows, orphans,churches and the like, and she wants U.R. to make that happen because her dead husband's family are a bunch of nosy wankers (I'm paraphrasing like a maniac here). Preliminary correspondence is exchanged, during which U.R. explains that he is a severely visually impaired ex-National Hockey League Goal judge with a rather unfortunate and violent flatulence problem. He has retired to Iqaluit, Nunavut, in (VERY) Northern Canada, and is a resident of the Ralph Methuselah Home for the Spectacularly Aged. Mrs. Jones pointedly adds "rest homes" to the list of possible destinations for the money. Before they can get down to brass tacks, however, Mrs. Jones' email address goes wonky (probably because someone else reported the abuse it was being put to and it got shut down) and it would appear that the attempted comedy has been thwarted. Never fear, U.R. just sends his next reply to another (entirely different) scammer who is using a similar script and the name "Mrs. BlessFaith Kazeem" (I swear, you can't make this shit up). U.R. carries on the story as if nothing has happened, feigning a belief that Mrs. Kazeem is actually Mrs. Jones in disguise, drops a few juicy hints to the new scammer that something big has been in the works, and *poof*: Mrs. Jones becomes Mrs. Kazeem, the new bad guy steals the old bad guy's victim, and everyone is more or less happy. The new bad guy explains his lack of precise memory about previous events through a rather convenient (and admittedly ingenious) coma. As of January 2005, the trail on this one has gone cold again for the moment. Mrs. Kazeem has stopped responding to her email. Click here to read about "Mrs. Jones" from the beginning. |
| Dr. Innocent Obieze |
Dr. Innocent Obieze: the story so far. Dr. Innocent emails U.R. August 20th, 2004. U.R. does absolutely nothing about that for four months, then writes back. Dr. Innocent commends him for a "swift response", offers U.R. 25 million U.S. dollars and babbles on about his role in an organization called "ECOWAS" that supposedly "over-invoiced" (i.e. "stole") this fictional money when contracting for materials to be used for peace-keeping missions in Sierra Leone. Nice. U.R. expresses concern about doing business with strangers, and asks about the good Doctor's credentials and experience in international business. Dr. Innocent says he has a Ph.D in engineering and that his brother is the former Attorney General of Togo. U.R. indicates doubt as to whether his company, "Vervulex 2000" (purveyors of fleshpods and fine pork products since 1999) is a suitable cover for the clandestine movement of ill-gotten funds out of Africa, and (unsatisfied with assertions about sibling success) again inquires about Dr. Innocent's credentials. The money being entirely fictional, Dr. Innocent seems unconcerned about the nature of Vervulex 2000's business and the adequacy of suitable cover for the transaction. U.R. presses the good Doctor again, gently, for some (no doubt forged, hopefully in a difficult and time-consuming manner) "official" documents authenticating his claims. U.R. mentions that the Annual Festival of the Narwhal draws nigh and he is naturally, therefore, gathering apricots and reheasing traditional haikus. Click here to read about "Dr. Innocent" from the beginning. |