7:30 – I tune in to Leafs TV and bemoan the fact that although the signal is being offered in HDTV this year, my local cable company has elected not to provide an HD feed. Learn that Andrew Raycroft is starting in goal. Reflect on the fact that as a Leaf fan, I may consequently not want to have that clear a view of this game; standard definition will do fine.
7:35 – The puck is dropped and the game is on. I am told by the talking heads that the Leafs’ brass are hopeful that the insertion of Simon Gamache, Wade Belak and Andrew Raycroft into the previously moribund Leaf lineup will inspire the team to a great victory. The enormity of this insanity begins to slowly sink in and I begin to have a better appreciation of the way in which this organization has failed to produce a champion in forty years.
7:45 – The Leafs are on the “power” play and Pavel Kubina has smashed a shot in the general direction of the net. The puck deflects off Nik Antropov’s stick and past Isles’ goalie Wade Dubliewicz. 1-0 Leafs.
7:50 – The Leafs have scored a goal directly off the face-off; apparently Ian White has propelled the disc into the net past a startled Wade Dubliewicz. No doubt Wade was as startled as everyone else in the Air Canada Centre that the Leafs won a face-off. I say that this has “apparently” happened, because Leafs TV – the network specifically dedicated to televising hockey games in which the Toronto Maple Leafs participate, the network that earns the bread with which to buy its butter by ensuring that a maximal quantity of Leaf-related information may be disseminated to the millions of ravenous Leaf fans throughout the country – has missed the goal entirely. They were showing a replay of people not scoring goals at the time. Keeping in mind that Leafs TV is as much a creature of Leafs management as the hockey team itself, I am not surprised. Certainly not as surprised as Wade Dubliewicz, anyway. Nevertheless, it’s a 2-0 lead not halfway through the period. I begin to think, “This team is unbeatable, they are dominant, we must immediately commence planning the parade route.” There is a close-up of Andrew Raycroft standing in the Leaf net and I snap out of my dementia.
Obviously, the question will be whether Raycroft can manage to play well enough to convince his team-mates that he’s not going to cough up a hairball now that they’ve staked him to an early two-goal lead. This should be easy, provided that the Islanders do not carry the puck past the red line.
8:00 – So much for the two goal lead. Even I can’t blame this one on Raycroft, it’s a tip-in on a shot from the point. This whole team has been guilty of surrendering leads very easily over the past few – um – generations. That particular trend doesn’t seem as though it is about to come to an end anytime soon. Sigh.
8:15 – First intermission. Time for me to take out the garbage.
8:32 – Game update: second period underway. Garbage update: still in the house. I confess to being riveted to an intermission feature that dealt with Leaf Winger Jason Blake’s recent diagnosis with a form of leukemia. Joe Bowen is talking, as the puck is dropped, about how Mike Comrie had 14 points in three pre-season games with his new Islander linemates, Billy Guerin and Ruslan Fedotenko. Joe is telling me that with Fedotenko’s first period goal, these guys have collected nineteen points in a little more than four games. A peek at the stats at www.nhl.com confirms this assertion is not, as you might suspect, a hallucination but rather actual fact. I wonder why the hell I don’t have any of these guys on my fantasy team.
8:41 – Tomas Kaberle has scored on Dubliewicz. Nifty move, Tomas! Also, the family dog has developed – rather abruptly, I might add – a case of astonishingly odiferous flatulence. The fans at the ACC are giving Mats Sundin a lengthy standing ovation for eclipsing Darryl Sittler’s all-time points record (as a Leaf) and I can barely stand to stay in the room. Bad dog!
8:45 – I think Simon Gamache has taken an interference penalty. We’ll find out after the commercial. I think I’m going to open a door.
8:46 – Gamache’s penalty is confirmed. Leafs TV is showing a replay that clearly shows that Sundin never touched the puck on Kaberle’s goal, making one wonder how the hell he’s being credited with the record-breaking assist.
8:49 – Penalty killed. Actually a pretty decent job by the Leafs on that one.
8:59 – The Digital Video Recorder wants to change the channel on me (to record Grey’s Anatomy and The Office), the dog wants to go outside (thank God!) and the Leafs have been assessed a minor penalty. I am suddenly a very busy person. I let the DVR change channels so it can record according to its instructions, let the dog out the back door and scramble upstairs with Spouse’s laptop under my arm to continue watching the game. Technically, at this time I am consuming three television programs and using the Internet. I love technology, which makes this all possible.
9:04 – Matt Stajan has scored a short-handed goal for the Leafs. With the dog outside and a three goal lead, things are really looking up for me right now.
9:09 – Alex Steen has scored in the final minute of the period. All in all, things have really started to go well for the Leafs since the dog started trying to kill me with his intestinal gas. I am hoping this is mere coincidence and not evidence of some sort of infernal price that must be paid to ensure Leaf success.
9:12 – Second intermission. I really have to do that garbage now.
9:35 – I return upstairs, having completed my allotted mission, with a sense of mixed anticipation and dread. I know that I have missed the first few minutes of the third period – you know, the period in which the Leafs perenially surrender previously insurmountable leads – and I almost can’t bear to watch. Clicking on the TV, I see that five minutes have been played in the period – and a Leaf goal has been scored! Wow, the score is 6-1, and we’re not on the singleton side for a change! As I type this paragraph, the official scorer is correcting the information on the fourth Leaf goal. Mats Sundin is now going backwards and has NOT broken the record. After a commercial break, Leafs TV shows video of Mats lobbying with everyone to take away the assist because he didn’t touch the freaking puck. The guy is a class act.
9:45 – Well, Sundin is DEFINITELY going to get credit for this one. Leafs TV almost missed it again, fooling around with replays and shots of things other than the play on a face-off, but there he was in on the Isles goalie, making a nifty little pass out front and it’s off Brendan Witt’s skate and in the net for the record-breaking goal and point. The crowd at the ACC goes absolutely apeshit. Cool!
9:56 – Simon Gamache has scored to make it 8-1. It was a wrist shot on which Wade Dubliewicz didn’t even move. Joe Bowen and Greg Millen are talking about the energy that has been injeted into the lineup as a result of Gamache’s play. Let’s not get too excited, the guy scored the crucial eighth goal in an 8-1 shellacking of an opponent of dubious – though similar – calibre. Nevertheless, reflecting upon my snide remarks about the decision to insert him in the lineup, I resolve to take back half of the nasty stuff I have said tonight about Leafs management.
10:05 – We’re going to finish the game two men short, unless the Isles score on a 5 -on- 3 power play.
10:06 – They don’t. The game is over, and the Leafs win by a touchdown. The Molson 3 Star selection is next and Sundin is the third star, the second star AND the first star. Nice touch by the boys in the press box. There is another standing ovation as Mats takes a twirl around the ice and Paul Hendrick almost ruins the moment by sticking a microphone in Sundin’s face to ask him a stupid question or two.
Time to head downtown and see if I can’t get some video of a jeep smashing through a building on the set of the Hulk 2.