Project C’est Something Nice

By junior on July 10, 2009, at 7:55 pm

Following a few spectacular, hope generating days during which Brian Burke proved himself to be the Mac Daddy of all NHL GMs, fans of the Maple Leafs started to feel a (recently) unfamiliar amount of excitement for the upcoming regular season.

At the same time, Montreal Canadiens’ GM Robert “Bob” Gainey was busy crapping the bed rather spectacularly, much to the further delight of the Blue and White.

Habs fans, in the lingo of teh Intarwebs, HAZ A SAD.

It occurred to me that Leafs Nation ought to share its positive energy with fans of their most hated rival; it’s the least we can do to make sure they’re as comfortable as possibly while they’re suffering. So I put out the call in the Barilkosphere for Leaf fans to come up with 100 positive things to say about the upcoming Montreal Canadiens season. The original post about this stuff can be found here, the following day’s update is here (with bonus Photoshop goodness!), and – if I’m doing this blogging (and tagging) thing correctly – any additional posts can be found by clicking on this automatic search link.

Without further ado, here’s the list in two parts. First, my contributions to the project (so I don’t have to keep putting the same damn link after all of them to this site – which you’re all visiting already, for cripes sake; and second, the offerings of the Barilkosphere.

Junior’s List of Positive Things to Say About the Montreal Canadiens 2009-2010 Season:

In the future, the Montreal Canadiens will be leaders in the field of hockey equipment innovation and research: the Buster Brown shoe company, for example, will be retained to design and manufacture special “right-sized” skates for the Habs’ forwards.
Corporate merchandising cash cow: sales of official Montreal Canadiens “game-used booster chairs” expected to skyrocket in 2009 – 2010 season.
Montreal Canadiens expected to receive numerous Oscar nominations for upcoming documentary feature film starring GM Bob Gainey: “Honey, I Shrunk the Habs.”
Canadiens’ travel/accomodation costs expected to significantly decline as Gomez, Cammalleri and Gionta room together on the road: Mikey in the bottom bunk, Scotty on the top, and Brian in a dresser drawer.
Stimulus to the Canadian economy: 2009-2010 Canadiens uniforms to be supplied by Gymboree.
Innovations in fan etiquette at the Bell Centre: fans prohibited from celebrating hat tricks in the conventional manner. It just wouldn’t do to have a star forward trapped under a ball cap.
The Montreal Canadiens are making ASCII art easy for everyone: type an “l” followed by three periods, and voilà, it’s a picture of Hal Gill standing next to Gomez, Cammalleri and Gionta.

Leaf Nation’s Contributions to Project C’est Something Nice:

Thank you, Montreal, for leading the hockey community into a world of tolerance and understanding for Little People. Their ongoing struggle for acceptance and equality in a world made for larger people and within a sporting landscape that struggles with change has been improved immensely by your willingness, both financially and operationally, to accept a few Little People into your organization. For all people, big and small, striving for equality in sport, thank you for building your team with Little People – blindfoldedtankdriver.
The roster that Bob Gainey has assembled is good for public safety because it virtually assures that there won’t be any riots after winning a playoff round for many years – Down Goes Brown.
Thanks for disassembling your roster and in the process weakening not only yourself but the Ottawa Senators, whose well run locker room will surely be an excellent fit for Alex Kovalev – Chemmy.
Bob Gainey is a saint for taking Scott Gomez off of Glen Sather’s hands and giving him Montreal’s top prospect to boot. It should count as community service for the eldery and senile – PPP.
The present roster of the Habs will, in the midst of a serious world-wide recession, spark a massive local economic boom when 18,000 fickle fans abandon the team to eat, drink and spend all their money locally. The populace will be happier than they have been for some time, and will result in an amendment to the Quebec constitution being accepted whereby separation from Canada, when suggested by a politician of any stripe, will be immediately punished with life in an english prison – kidkawartha.
Montreal will become the worldwide center of Dwarves Anonymous, and much healing will commence – kidkawartha.
Bob Gainey’s performance as GM of the Habs will be an inspiration to people around the world. They will look at what he’s done and say “My god, no matter what they’ve done, I’ve never screwed anything up that badly!” They will learn to overlook their shortcomings and feel more pride and confidence in themselves, and the world will be a better place because of this new found energy and positive contributions to society will increase – JM (leaf fan stuck in ottawa).
Thank you Montreal for giving me two things to watch – a resurgent and truculent Leafs team thanks to Komisarek, and a Habs team that will get eaten alive by Ryder (and Lucic, and Chara, and Scott Thornton) and the rest of the Bruins – Tree1Heatley0.
The NHLPA would like to thank Gainey for his hard work in trying to raise the average salary in the NHL – mrmcj.
Thank you Montreal. You have given me faith that if Louis LeBlanc can be drafted for swinging at a puck and falling down, I can too – furcifer.
Fire departments across the continent are raving about your fire drill execution times. The swift rate at which the Bell Centre inhabitants fleed the building at the close of the 08-09 season was nothing short of spectacular. What’s that? There wasn’t a fire drill? – Jo4ny.
Because they can only speak in music, I will do it for them. Thank you on behalf of Oumpa Loumpa’s everywhere. Remember, they need love too – plantheparadeonemoretime.
Canadiens, my heart will go on – wraparoundcurl.
Jacques Martin suffers from a crippling fear of getting his ass handed to him by the Leafs in the playoffs. By giving him a roster that relegates the team’s chances of reaching the playoffs to the realm of punchlines, Gainey is allowing his coach to put that fear out of mind, and keep his head in the game every night. Shrewd tactic – Ryan..
Canadiens can now save some money at the team dinner by getting kids menu meals at Chucky Cheese (Charles Frommage??) – Aschendancy.
The Learning Channel, in a co-production with Radio Canada, will film yet another reality-based television series depicting the lives of little people. The title: “Big League, Little Players”. To be broadcast primetime, Saturday nights on Radio Canada. Sponsored by Mini Wheats. First intermission interviews provided by Verne Troyer. Thank you Mr. Gainey. I won’t have to watch reruns of Jon and Kate Plus 8 anymore! – Doug.
Finally, someone will be able to verify the rumour that catching a Leprechaun means that you get his pot of gold. Is this Mr. Gainey’s way of trying to secure funds for his own economic bail-out? One pot of gold is nice but a roster’s worth is just downright saintly! Your country thanks you Bob! – Doug.
At least they still have that freshly-built $36-million dollar state-of-the-art practice facility that they can use to develop future superstars like Guillaume Latendresse and PK Subban! – Len.
People will flock from all over to see the amazing feats of little people getting pounded into submission by playing a big man’s game. So Montreal’s tourism industry is set to do big business! – Len.
The traditional culture of freak-shows at carnivales will be brought back to life in Montreal with a first period intermission midget hockey skills and dwarf-tossing competition. The owner of Cirque de Soleil will join forces with Celine Dion, buy the Habs and take them on the carnie circuit in the summer – kidkawartha.
Instant Canadian economy stimulus. Those workers that make the ‘little people’ shoes with one sole thicker than the other will be back in business – Hawkee Stick.
Habs fans will be treated to hijinks of Lollipop Guild on each other’s shoulders in one big trench coat trying to get into clubs – PPP.
There is certainly great news in Montreal this year- it’ll be another century before they can have such an epic fail of a 100-year anniversary season – kidkawartha.
The beer at the Bell Centre may be crappy, but it is expensive, too! – plantheparadeonemoretime.
Inspiring great works of literature: In the late 90’s I ran into an old friend, and rabid Leaf fan, who I hadn’t seen in years. He had lived in Montreal for a while and used to go to the Forum after games had already started, get cheap standing room tickets and make his way as close to the ice as he could to heckle Habs players. We used to call him Coach, and although this story might seem a bit far fetched, he is probably the one guy I’ve known who I think would be capable of this. This is roughly how our conversation went:Me: So Coach, what have you been up to?
Coach: Actually, I’ve been working on a novel.
Me: Really? What kind of novel?
Coach: It’s kind of a hockey book. You know that the Habs moved to a new arena a few years ago, well my book is about the ghosts of the old Forum just hanging around the empty Forum and that kind of thing.
Me: Umm, that sounds interesting.(thinking ‘Isn’t this the guy who used to hurl insults at little kids wearing Habs gear on the street?’)
Coach: Yeah, so for instance the ghost of (former Habs great) is a drunken wife beater and the ghost of (another Habs great) is a pedophile.
Me: (stunned silence)
Coach: I’ve got about seven hundred pages so far but I’d like to edit it down to a more manageable five hundred or so.
Me: (stunned silence)
Coach: What?
Me: You wrote a 700 page novel that does nothing but slander legendary Canadiens?
Coach: Yes.
Me: I’m not queer or anything like that, but can I kiss you on the mouth?

Anyway, I didn’t ever see any of the book and I haven’t seen him since then. Tried looking him up a few times with no luck.

Happy Centennial Habs!
-Mirinov’s Nose
Montreal, it is so great that Bob Gainey would make it possible for Glenn Sather to say that he isn’t indisputably the worst GM in the NHL – Mabel.