Breaking News Alert: Juniorvania Found

Remember that thing I posted about having found the property that satisfied the Known Requirements and Specifications for the Kingdom of Juniorvania? And remember how there were certain conditions and contingencies, some of which lay beyond our control, that would determine whether the Kingdom would be claimed?

In a word: “Done”.

The Kingdom is ours; at least, that is that an agreement has been struck by which the sellers have agreed to do the thing that sellers do best – selling – and we have secured the right to be the purchasers.

The mind of a benevolent ruler boggles at moments like this; so many things to do and such little time. Here’s a short (far from complete, just off the top of my head) list of the things Spouse and I will need to accomplish prior to the March 14th closing:

  • Design and produce Flag of the Kingdom (I am thinking something with a Viking, a snake and some badass lightning bolts would be nice – stylistically reminiscent of 1970s van art, of course);
  • Assemble Army, Navy and Air Force. As the boundaries are somewhat land-locked, “Navy” may be somewhat lower priority than other Juniorvanian defence forces;
  • Compose, perform and record suitable National Anthem. Something stirring and patriotic, but not dolorous or ponderous. If composition proves difficult (we should know after ten or fifteen minutes of trying to write) see if that Tchaikovsky fellow is available to do us up a little jingle like he did for the Russians; and
  • Ruthlessly suppress all dissenters. (I didn’t really want to do this one, but it seems to have been on the list for every other two-bit despot and tyrant in history; who am I to mess with tradition?)
  • All hail the Great Kingdom of Juniorvania!

    Categorized as Juniorvania

    By junior

    Guitar owner and silly person.


    1. Congratulations!!!!! This is awesome news. For air defense, may I recommend catapults and water balloon slingshots… “Death From Above!!!!” I also encourage the use, nay need, for the screaming of “Warwalker!” in the Juniorvania national anthem. I also hope that Rocks is declared as the national sport of Juniorvania.

    2. Dammit, I knew I forgot something on the list: “Establish legislature, to make the adoption of things like `National Sport of Juniorvania’ go more smoothly.”

      Please stop disseminating top-level state secrets regarding air defence, or you may be forever subject to certain highly invasive personal searches upon seeking entry to the Kingdom.

    3. Congrats, the house is a big step. Welcome to the world of cannibalistic garage doors (I swear, blood sacrifices just AREN’T ENOUGH) and mysteriously clogged pipes (still recovering from that fiasco). For us, it’s been a positive experience — no more scrounging around for the few rentals that allow pets, and our neighbors have been mostly great (quiet, even when we’re blasting Broadway show tunes out the window).

      Animals seem willing conscripts for an army, unless fireworks are involved. The Mexican national anthem seems suitable for repurposing (as all the radio station transmitters here seem to be based in Tijuana, they all stop regular programming at 6 am and broadcast it — am getting familiar with it) should Tchaikovsky or Mussorgsky prove un-raiseable.

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