Ridiculous Dept.

Evidently, the poor (on-ice) performance of the Leafs is being cited as a contributing cause to the cancellation of certain CBC programming (via bitterleaf):

Apparently, without the playoff revenues generated by the large audiences that tune into post-season Leaf broadcasts, the CBC can’t afford to keep crap quality programming like Hockey Wives and Jpod on the air

Be careful if you go clicky; the linked post contains a throrough (and humourous) discussion of the pernicious influence of the Maple Leafs throughout history. I nearly spat tea all over my computer as a result of the first image. You’ve been warned.

Seriously, though – what the hell is this nonsense? Are we really to believe that the inability of the Leafs to reach the bonus round the past few years is the problem here? shinola01How ’bout the idiots in the financial planning department at the CBC who were, evidently, betting the family farm that Andrew Raycroft would lead the Buds to glory? This kind of causes one to wonder what other excellent financial prestidigitation has been going on behind the scenes at the Mother Corpse. I mean, if nothing else, the fact that they’ve apparently been drawing up budgets that are premised upon the assumption that the Leafs will participate in the playoffs reveals that CBC mucky mucks are unable to distinguish the substance pictured at left from unrelated fecal matter when it comes to hockey and/or that they haven’t even been watching their own programming – anybody who’s popped in for the occasional episode of Hockey Night in Canada when the Leafs are busy coughing up a three-goal third period lead in the last couple of years (and those episodes have been numerous, I tells ya) ought to have at least a passing idea that it might not be terribly prudent to assume that the ACC will still be rockin’ come June.

Here are some suggestions – offered free of charge, mind you, I’m just giving this stuff away, I feel as though it’s my public duty to help in these times of cultural crisis – for the high finance wizards at CBC to scrounge up some extra coin:

  • Take back empties (this always worked for me when going through university). Requires: empties (the more, the better).
  • If no empties available, drink full beers – take back empties. Stop for pizza on way home, but only get one slice (This worked even better for me at university). Requires: beer. Hey, what doesn’t?
  • Look in pockets of Don Cherry’s suit jackets for loose change. That guy makes a lot of bread; he must have a toonie or two that he wouldn’t miss (wink wink, nudge nudge). Requires: Stealth, and stunted fashion sense.
  • Buy 6/49 ticket with jersey numbers of retired/honoured Leafs. Be sure to play “Encore” bonus round. Requires: Two dollars. Cash. So that might be out of the running then.
    Strike a deal with Dr. Innocent Obieze, who controls a very large fortune but needs the assistance of CBC executives to get this money out of Sierra Leone. Very profitable; returns unlikely to be immediate. On the plus side, though, it seems as though you don’t really need any expertise or credentials of any kind to be deemed just right for the job of assisting Dr. Innocent; this should be right up the CBC execs’ alley. Requires: one email address, working.
  • Fine colour commentator Greg Millen $25 every time he compliments the work of any goaltender, including (without limiting the generality of the foregoing): home goalie (great save!), vistors’ goalie (way to wear the proper jersey tonight!), back-up goalies (nice door opening technique!), dead goalies (Terry Sawchuk, Georges Vezina, Arturs Irbe [oops, he's not dead, just his career]), man in row H seat 9 (former high school netminder, handling $19 bill for “medium” popcorn and large draft beer with grace and dignity, in all of the circumstances). Should “net” (tee hee, tee hee) enough to pay for full season production budget for CBC Sunday in about twenty minutes. Requires: Time; only time.
  • Hey, kids, let’s put on a show! Oh, wait – that one hasn’t (apparently) worked too well in the past. Never mind.

3 comments to Ridiculous Dept.

  • Why couldn’t you just distract Don Cherry with a shiny object and/or a Swede on fire? Or knock him unconscious

  • True enough; also acceptable: a French Canadian with a visor, two men punching each other for no reason, and phantom sightings of Kirk Muller.

  • [...] HiR:tb sources deep inside Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment confirm that the “there, there, it will get better in time” theme underlying Fletcher’s remarks to the media was selected after several board meetings characterized by boisterous debate between opposing management camps; in the end, the board decided this approach would be superior to the “don’t worry, the 2007-2008 Maple Leafs went to live on a farm” message that reportedly tested very well in focus-groups composed largely of six-year olds, hardcore Tie Domi fans from Woodbridge, and CBC budget planning executives. [...]