HiR:tb Toots (@warwalker)

I Feel Like Sally Struthers…

…only instead of dollars, I’m begging for jokes. Oh, and I’m not trying to feed starving African children, I’m trying to ensure that we take the piss out of Habs fans.  This shouldn’t be hard;  it’s not like Gainey hasn’t given us material to work with.

Here’s where we’re at: 1/3 of the way there. Thirty four bits have been submitted.  I can’t say “34 jokes”, because each one is, uh, “special”.  You know, unique like a snowflake or a learning disabled child.

If you would permit me a couple of observations at this point:

  1. I want to party with kidkawartha.  Dude is nitroglycerin in a jar, man;  crazy and scattered in a way that makes me feel naughty.  Don’t go changin’ etc. etc. kid;   and thanks for the multiple submissions.  You are a man of great compassion.
  2. Mirinov’s Nose.  Read the submission (it’s comment #14 on this page).  Defying convention, it refuses classification.  I can’t decide whether it is the punk rock or experimental jazz of Habs jokes.  I know that I liked it immediately, which suggests to me it’s more Social Distortion than John Zorn.  You decide.
  3. Not to denigrate any of the fine work submitted to date, but I feel as though we’re still striving to hit our stride on these.  Consider the first 33 submissions akin to the pre-season and a Wednesday night in October against Atlanta; we played hard and all, but the competitive juices just weren’t flowing at maximum capacity.  Well now it’s metaphorical November, bucko, and we all know what that means:  time to bring your “a” game.  I want all of you who previously offered submissions to review the tape, look at what you did right and take note of what you did wrong;  then I want you to get out on that (still further extended) metaphorical ice and take your best shot.  Or two.  Or 66.  At the Habs.  Those of you who didn’t even show up to play?  Get out there and show me what you can do.
  4. I know it’s summer holidays ‘n all, but can somebody put the bat signal up for Godd Till and Kim Jorn, late of the Cox Bloc?  First, everybody knows those boys can bring the sass, and sass is what this project is all about.  Second, I feel like – karmically – they kind of owe it to the universe to participate in this exercise on account of this abomination, which (much like porn) makes Baby Jesus Cry.  Contact Godd or Kim and tell them about the Project.  Tell them the cool kids are doin’ it;  they’ll get on board – just like teaching kids to smoke at daycare.
  5. Chemmy.  Vitriol + ridicule + hatred of the Habs.   This is right up your alley, brother.   I need more than one goal out of you if we’re going to win this thing.

Once again:  your mission, should you choose to accept it (and you should choose to accept it):  offer up something “positive” we can say about the Canadiens’ upcoming season.  Leave your japes in the comments below.

Also – I’m collating all the submissions to date on to a single page – there should be a link to a “Project C’est Something Nice” page at the top left corner of your browser, near the links for home and aboot.  You can click on the link at the top of the site’s homepage at any time to get to the complete list of well-wishery.

Lastly, I offer up my eighth submission to the project:

Exclusive, Unique Marketing Opportunity: the Habs can become the only NHL team to offer actual size Bobblehead Dolls.

11 comments to I Feel Like Sally Struthers…

  • kidkawartha

    Well, thanx, Jr! The truth is, I spent the first half of my life being a good Dutch-Canadian boy- church, Bible College, several failed attempts at becoming a pastor- and I intend to waste the second half by making it my personal version of “no more Mr. Nice Guy”, except to family, friends and mutual Leaf fans, of course.
    I’d also like to point out that the some of the best snarkers in the business appear to be, from your sage opinion, from or in the Peterborough area. Is it the water? The tight concentration of intelligence in Trent U. students? A counter-reaction to our idiot MP? Who knows. All the above being said, I’ll get to work on a couple more Habs props, but will hold them until the other heavy hitters get in the game.

  • Congratulations Montreal on giving Midget Hockey a whole new meaning.

  • Mirinov's Nose

    furcifer – nice one!

  • Mirinov's Nose

    Congratulations Habs, on your “successful” “Centennial” season. Wishing you continued “good” luck in the upcoming season and hoping that your key players are able to replicate their “outstanding” performances of last year.
    Your “Pal”, MN

  • kidkawartha

    I can just picture the sneer on Mironov’s face.

  • kohma

    Molson Canadien Cold Shots.

  • Screaming WIll

    Congratulations go out to Willy Wonka on his successful gathering of all the Oompa-Loompas back home to Montreal. They should have no trouble containing Kyle Wellwood this year.

  • Mirinov's Nose

    Actual conversation between George Gillet Jr. and Bob Gainey, June 29 2009 –

    Gillet: I’m pretty happy with our goal-tending situation and I like how the defense is shaping up. I think now we just need to acquire a little offense.
    Gainey: I’m on it.

  • kohma

    Gainey- “We don’t consider them small, we prefer to think of them as flaccid. Come game time, they will rise to the occasion.”

  • kidkawartha

    In a national press conference this Saturday, the Montreal Canadiens announced their new team slogan- “Good things come in small packages.” Women all up and down St. Catherine were heard to laugh uproariously.

  • […] Ladies and gentlemen, Mirinov’s nose has been at it again.  I have not yet updated the Project C’est Something NIce main page, but do yourself a favour and click through to learn the secret truth underlying the Canadiens’ offensive strategy. […]