I was idly flipping through the channels tonight, awaiting the commencement of the Leafs vs. Kings game (late night start time for those of us here in Central Canada) when I noticed something unusual about the *ahem* adult programming listed by our cable service. Certain of the programs, being described as “movies” are assigned a quality rating (1 to 4 stars) – just like all the other movies.
This fact raises a number of questions in my mind.
Who quality rates the porn? Is the porn rated according to its own dedicated system, i.e. compared to all other porn flicks and according to certain porn-specific criteria? Or is the porn judged and rated according to the same star-assignment system as regular movies? This latter possibility may be somewhat disturbing to folks like the Wayans brothers; that is, if Driving Miss Daisy and Driving Miss Daisy are being judged by identical criteria, there are some inescapable and ugly truths that may have to be faced, in a very concrete and quantitative way, by failed directors. For example, the particular adult feature I saw being advertised – Mega Blondes – was afforded a two-star rating by the anonymous cable company cinematic assessors. Two stars! That’s one more star than was attributed to Scary Movie 2, a feature being offered on an adjacent channel. To review, assuming that these 2 films were rated on a common scale and according to identical criteria, the quality assessors who watched both Scary Movie 2 and Mega Blondes apparently came to the conclusion that the porn flick was twice as good as the work of the Wayanses.
I’m just sayin’.