(With apologies to John Moe for totally ripping off his excellent stuff:)
POLICE OCCURRENCE REPORT – DECEMBER 25, 2009
Police were dispatched to a location in the general vicinity of complainant’s residence on the morning of December 25th in relation to a report of a deceased elderly female. Upon arrival, officers spoke to complainant/reporter, who advised that the deceased – who he referred to as “Grandma” – had been struck and killed by reindeer en route from complainant’s residence at an unknown point during the previous evening. Officers responding to the scene requested that detectives from the homicide unit attend, as complainant told police that one Santa CLAUS (d.o.b. unknown) is responsible, though complainant did not actually observe the alleged incident in question. Detectives advised complainant that CLAUS is not a viable suspect, in view of his fictional nature. Complainant insisted that he and his father “believe.” Homicide investigation commenced.
Police believe alcohol played a role in the incident. Deceased last seen alive by a witness who indicates that deceased had been consuming egg nog to excess prior to departing from a nearby residence, apparently seeking certain (unspecified) medications (a toxicology work-up has been requested). Witness observed indicia of physical impairment, as the witness indicates that deceased was seen to “stumble” as she departed into the snow.
Deceased was discovered this morning with obvious trauma to the head and torso. It must be noted for continuity purposes that the crime scene was not secure, as family members appear to have attended and conducted their own investigation prior to contacting police, compromising officers’ ability to examine the scene for sleigh or animal tracks, and other items of possible evidentiary value. Relatives of the deceased are adamant that markings on the deceased’s forehead are consistent with hoof-related injury, and further that abrasions noted on deceased’s back may be forensically linked to CLAUS. Crime lab has been requested to locate and dispatch a pathologist with expertise in injuries inflicted by larger mammals.
Deceased’s husband was not prepared to give a statement to police, claiming he was too distraught to do so. Suspicions of police, however, were later aroused when the man was observed watching televised football and socializing over cards with a “cousin” named “Belle.” Officers also observed several family members (descriptions unavailable, as all were wearing black) attempting to tamper with evidence at the home, variously and inconsistently claiming that they wished to either open the deceased woman’s gifts or return them to the point of purchase. The scene has since been taped off and the gifts in question secured by officers for subsequent expert examination. Ident unit dispatched to take photos of various areas of the subject residence, in particular a dining room in which officers noted a prepared goose and a pudding containing pork products. Police specifically requested that the assigned pathologist rule out food-borne illness and/or heart disease during conduct of autopsy. Dining room also noted to contain a table with a candle, blue and silver in colour, the shade of which is suspiciously and strikingly similar to the material used to create the deceased’s wig.
Police learned that at least one unknown family member was alarming nearby residents, warning them to beware of CLAUS’ reckless sleigh operation. It may be that this individual was attempting to deflect suspicion as this individual has also reportedly been agitating against the government’s decision to issue vehicle permits to sleigh-operators and circulating rather fantastic rumours among neighbours that the killer consorts with elves.
Police re-iterated to family that CLAUS is not a suspect in this occurrence; family continues to insist that he is responsible.
Homicide investigation ongoing. Surveillance of deceased’s husband and his new companion recommended.