Let There Be Music – And Some Wins, Please

I mentioned on Twitter the other day that I was working on something special in my secret lair.  Here it is, in honour of the 2010-2011 Toronto Maple Leafs’ season:  The Toronto Maple Leafs Song. (Update 1:12 a.m.: I’ve been trying on and off all night to post a link to the .mp3 file on this blog, but WordPress wants me to learn new swear words instead.  So here’s a link to my Tumblr, which apparently has somewhat more delicate ears. )

I can’t believe I have spent as much time as I did over the last few days working on this thing.  With Furious G on the way in about eight weeks’ time now, and a busy early 2011 ahead of me work-wise, I have a feeling that the fooling-about time I’ve managed to scrape together over the past couple of evenings may well be the last opportunity I’ll have for a while to focus on ridiculous projects, but I hope everybody in the Barilkosphere enjoys it. If nothing else, have sympathy for the brave men of The Execrables – my PPP Phantasy Puck Team sacrificed their season in the name of this little project. I just couldn’t drag myself away from the production process long enough to pay any attention at all to the fantasy draft, and the autodrafter ended up selecting such luminaries for me as “Marc Savard and his head full of Jell-O”.

Anyway, it all started when I was fooling around, rhyming “Caputi” with “Verbeauty” (the nickname some folks at Pension Plan Puppets have for Kris Versteeg).   Before too long, I ended up going Adam Sandler on the Leafs’ lineup.

Enjoy, I hope it gives you a laugh or two.

Here are the lyrics, in case anyone is interested:

THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS SONG

Toronto is the centre of the world
Maybe not, but it’s where the Leaf flag gets unfurled
Our teams have missed the playoffs for many, many years
But this group of Leaf players is tops with the Barilkosphere.

‘Cause we’ve got filthy Phil Kessel, he’s Tyler Bozak’s wing
Kulie and Grabbo just keep on attacking
Monster and Jiggy will prove your offence lacking
While Colton Orr and Komisarek will give you a shellacking
Colby Armstrong has a job cause Matt Stajan was sent packing
Let’s hope we’ll all be cheering wins instead of Prozac-ing

We might not still be playing, when May turns into June
But that’s okay we’ll draft our way to the top
(Wait, what?) Too soon!

Tomas Kaberle makes cross-ice pass like you won’t believe
Still some folks dream of draft picks that we might receive
But I say to keep him, he’s talented and handsome
He better be – he’s passing to John Mitchell and Christian Hanson!
Francois Beauchemin, Luca Caputi
Nobody dangles like Kadri and Verbeauty!
Dion Phaneuf will do his Captain’s duty
And ladies tell me that Luke Schenn looks good in a suit-y
Mueller, Blacker and Aulie all seem like good recruitys
Ian White’s moustache is gone now but we’ve got Mike Brown’s fu manchu-ty

It might not be so bad, now that Toskala’s gone
Forget about the last few years, and help me sing this song:

I like Gunnarson’s acuity, hope Sjostrom stays here too-ity
Jeff Finger’s large annuity makes him a Marlie in perpetuity.
Let there be no ambiguity, show the Leafs that you are true-ity
Habs fans have no clue-ity, and Sens fans are sniffing glue-ity
Support your Toronto Maple Leafs, with all your ingenuity
Engage in promiscuity, if you can find someone who’ll do it-y
Just be sure there’s continuity, in your support for white and blue-ity.

Put on your white and blue
Make some noise and ballyhoo
Even if you speak Urdu
And haven’t watched hockey hitherto
Plan to use a big kazoo
Just be sure you follow through
Bang a chair with a wooden shoe
Make some noise for the white and blue
And
Go
Leafs
Go!

CSI: Winter Wonderland

(With apologies to John Moe for totally ripping off his excellent stuff:)

POLICE OCCURRENCE REPORT – DECEMBER 25, 2009

Police were dispatched to a location in the general vicinity of complainant’s residence on the morning of December 25th in relation to a report of a deceased elderly female.  Upon arrival, officers spoke to complainant/reporter, who advised that the deceased – who he referred to as “Grandma” –  had been struck and killed by reindeer en route from complainant’s residence at an unknown point during the previous evening.  Officers responding to the scene requested that detectives from the homicide unit attend, as complainant told police that one Santa CLAUS (d.o.b. unknown) is responsible, though complainant did not actually observe the alleged incident in question.  Detectives advised complainant that CLAUS is not a viable suspect, in view of his fictional nature.  Complainant insisted that he and his father “believe.”  Homicide investigation commenced.

Police believe alcohol played a role in the incident.  Deceased last seen alive by a witness who indicates that deceased had been consuming egg nog to excess prior to departing from a nearby residence, apparently seeking certain (unspecified) medications (a toxicology work-up has been requested).  Witness observed indicia of physical impairment, as the witness indicates that deceased was seen to “stumble” as she departed into the snow.

Deceased was discovered this morning with obvious  trauma to the head and torso.  It must be noted for continuity purposes that the crime scene was not secure, as family members appear to have attended and conducted their own investigation prior to contacting police, compromising officers’ ability to examine the scene for sleigh or animal tracks, and other items of possible evidentiary value.  Relatives of the deceased are adamant that markings on the deceased’s forehead are consistent with hoof-related injury, and further that abrasions noted on deceased’s back may be  forensically linked to CLAUS.  Crime lab has been requested to locate and dispatch a pathologist with expertise in injuries inflicted by larger mammals.

Deceased’s husband was not prepared to give a statement to police, claiming he was too distraught to do so.  Suspicions of police, however, were later aroused when the man was observed watching televised football and socializing over cards with a “cousin” named “Belle.”   Officers also observed several family members (descriptions unavailable, as all were wearing black) attempting to tamper with evidence at the home, variously and inconsistently claiming that they wished to either open the deceased woman’s gifts or return them to the point of purchase.   The scene has since been taped off and the gifts in question secured by officers for subsequent expert examination.  Ident unit dispatched to take photos of various areas of the subject residence, in particular a dining room in which officers noted a prepared goose and a pudding containing pork products.  Police specifically requested that the assigned pathologist rule out food-borne illness and/or heart disease during conduct of autopsy.   Dining room also noted to contain a table with a candle, blue and silver in colour, the shade of which is suspiciously and strikingly similar to the material used to create the deceased’s wig.

Police learned that at least one unknown family member was alarming nearby residents, warning them to beware of CLAUS’ reckless sleigh operation.  It may be that this individual was attempting to deflect suspicion as this individual has also reportedly been agitating against the government’s decision to issue vehicle permits to sleigh-operators and circulating rather fantastic rumours among neighbours that the killer consorts with elves.

Police re-iterated to family that CLAUS is not a suspect in this occurrence;  family continues to insist that he is responsible.

Homicide investigation ongoing.  Surveillance of deceased’s husband and his new companion recommended.