HiR:tb Toots (@warwalker)

Streak Over

Readers of this blog familiar with the extent of my corpulence, not to mention enemies of upchucking everywhere, will be relieved to hear that the above title refers to the end of my recent “consecutive days with a blog post” streak rather than the termination of any spirited au naturel sprint down the hiways and biways of Juniorvania.

I didn’t manage to get a blog post finished before midnight yesterday, so history will reflect my failure to tell you anything new or funny on this site on March 24th, 2010. Well, you know what? History can go fuck itself, I was busy dammit.  I am sorry, history, but you are starting to piss me off.  You are always standing behind me.  That is just weird.  Also, have you noticed, history, that you are always repeating yourself?  That is an annoying trait, history.  It was vaguely cute at first, but now you’re just that “you can call me Ray….but you doesn’t has to call me Johnson” guy.  Oh, and history?  You haven’t changed a bit in a long time – not since George W. Bush was President and people were less hung up about “facts” and “accuracy”.  Remember how dynamic you were back then, history? You didn’t insist on typecasting Franklin Delano Roosevelt as the President who guided America to a recovery from the Great Depression;  instead, he could be a cruel and stupid villain who actually prolonged it. The point is,  I liked “fluid history” much better than “static history” – for instance, remember that time that George W. Bush and his peace-loving hippie friends came to power as a result of an undisputed landslide?  Yeah, well, douchebag buzzkill static History wants to remind everybody that it didn’t happen.  Way to trash the vibe, bro.  Like yellow cake uranium and Iraq are any fucking fun.

Anyway, Wednesday evening was spent cobbling together the most recent installment of my “Good News” series for posting over at Maple Leafs Hot Stove. They keep doing things like “including me in discussions about writing things for the site,” so I kind of feel like I need to chip in a few hundred words every now and then so I can justify hanging out in the lunch room and sucking back all the free coffee.

Two funny things I learned today yesterday DAMMIT HISTORY THAT’S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU:

  1. If you go to the Maple Leafs Hot Stove site and type “good news” into the search engine box, the hilariously funny MLHS server (which was obviously wired up by a Habs fan) will tell you, “I’m sorry, what you were looking for cannot be found.”  Well, at least that’s what the MLHS server used to tell you, until  I asked a new intern in the HiR:tb IT department, a very belligerent fellow by the name of Colton Orr, to look into this problem for me.  It has since been corrected.  In unrelated news, there is very large pile of twisted metal in the MLHS server room;
  2. On Monday, I put up a 1,300 word post that took me two days to write;  it contained roughly six hundred and thirty-eight reasonably amusing  jokes on the subject of Donald Fehr’s possible appointment as the new Executive Director of the NHLPA; that post was commented upon by exactly one person.  On Tuesday, I put up a ten-word post that contained precisely one joke concerning the suitability of a certain songbird for the proper manufacture of bacon.  It elicited four responses.  Conclusion, according to my understanding of the data emerging from these analytics: you want fewer words, much more heavily weighted on a proportional basis to the subject of pork products.

Also, just in case you were wondering, there are no dead mice in our house.  That we’re aware of.  Henry will keep us all posted.

4 comments to Streak Over

  • kidkawartha

    If I post the same comment a dozen times on the Fehr post, will you feel marginally better?
    I thought it was a great read, but……
    Your very logical style and precise enunciation makes a long humor piece like that kind of run out of steam before the end. I can’t say “I” got bored or whatever, but maybe others did. This is the information age, doncha know? 😉
    It also runs up against DGB’s style of succinct bullet points, and in all likelihood, many of your readers frequent both sites.
    As far as bacon generating more interest, you do realize that your readers are a bunch of sports-oriented guys, right? Here’s a pic that explains this very well-
    I can’t quite tell you why I think that pic is so magnificent- I think it just goes directly to my lizard brain.
    As far as telling history to go fuck itself, I’m all for it, just so long as I can go back to when I started grade school with a life-mulligan.

  • kidkawartha

    Also, I thought my “putting the Cardinal in a smoker” comment was one of my best this week, but do you see me bitching about it? Nope. Not bitching at all.

    • Ha ha, easy, easy, I was just making a joke. Your support is always appreciated, Kidk. I liked the Cardinal in a smoker bit too. For some reason (probably the mental association with Cardinal Richelieu), it made me think of “The Inquisition” sketch from Monty Python, one of my all time favourites.

  • kidkawartha

    No one expects bacon from beautiful songbirds!