Breaking News

JUNIORVANIA (AP) – Senior officials in the Juniorvanian Ministry of External Affairs and Department of Homeland Security tonight confirmed rumours running rampant in this tiny hillside country that the nation was nearly overrun earlier this evening by a hostile army of four-legged intruders bent on destroying the natural beauty of the homeland. The aliens in question have been thought to target in particular the attractive and apparently delicious euonymous plants scattered throughout the Juniorvanian countryside. Nervous residents have, in recent week, been cautiously eyeing the many unexplained footprints littered throughout the snow covering certain grasslands adjacent to the southern border.

An unidentified source within the Department of Homeland Security, speaking on condition of being given a free Payday bar, confirmed that as many as fifteen to twenty unidentified intruders (pictured below) roamed across the lands immediately adjacent Two Deer in Back Yardto Juniorvanian borders at approximately 7:05 p.m., right around the washing up after dinner hour. In an official statement released shortly after 10 p.m., the Glorious Leadership pointed out that these obviously aggresive interlopers were quickly spotted by an alert lookout posted and trained to deal with just such a threat to national security, and that appropriate steps were immediately taken to diffuse the threat, though the local authorities declined to specify what actions in particular were deemed necessary. Although critics of government policy point out that the beasts in question appear to be harmlessly grazing on vegetable matter in the available photographs, official-looking people with expensive suits and a very busy demeanour dismissed these criticisms as helpful to the enemy and possibly treasonous. “That’s helpful to the enemy – and possibly treasonous” said Juan Gohoam, a spokesman for the Glorious Leadership and part-time cobbler. Nevertheless, anti-government sources speculate that the action plan set in motion upon receipt of the alert included opening a window and watching in quiet wonderment until the terrible beasts became bored of looking at the crazy people hanging out of an open window in the middle of winter and simply moved along.

Mr. U.R. Kidd-Enmie, Chief Padishah of the Department of Homeland Security, took the opportunity to remind Juniorvanians everywhere that although there was Deer in Back Fieldno need to panic, it certainly couldn’t hurt in the least to do so, as that would make it far easier for the government to justify the ridiculous expenditures on “security and defence related” planned by government as part of the upcoming budgetary process. “Tonight, these strange creatures spared us the intense pain of a gentle gnawing that only complete herbivores can inflict ,” he said, “but we might not be so lucky next time. We might be mistaken for a bucket of ferns, for example, or it might be rampaging dinosaurs or berserker robots that appear from within the adjacent woods.” Citizens, however, were reminded to panic an orderly and respectful manner, only in the approved and pre-designated areas, and were asked to refrain from generating any unnecessary noise, litter or unsolicited opinions. Also, the government reminded would-be panickers to refrain from breaking any of the really nice stuff we might like to use in the future, and suggested instead that civil disobedience and abject fear of extinction might best be expressed in the form of an interpretive dance or haiku.

Juniorvanian defence forces – consisting at this time largely of a fifteen year old one-eyed dog with no tail and a profound desire to make friends – remained on alert level fuchsia for most of the evening, except when yummy cookies were distributed on the living room floor, and when American Idol was on because that’s prime snoozle time.

Government officials would not comment on suggestions that tonight’s encounter was related in any way to weekend sightings of numerous winged creatures within the borders of theCardinal in the Tree country. Some commentators have suggested that the small flying intruders noted recently by many citizens may act as spies and informants for their larger mammalian masters; the Science Ministry, however, is reputed to be too busy looking up the meaning of the word “herbivore” to be able to respond meaningfully to such inquiries at this time.

Ridiculous Dept.

Evidently, the poor (on-ice) performance of the Leafs is being cited as a contributing cause to the cancellation of certain CBC programming (via bitterleaf):

Apparently, without the playoff revenues generated by the large audiences that tune into post-season Leaf broadcasts, the CBC can’t afford to keep crap quality programming like Hockey Wives and Jpod on the air

Be careful if you go clicky; the linked post contains a throrough (and humourous) discussion of the pernicious influence of the Maple Leafs throughout history. I nearly spat tea all over my computer as a result of the first image. You’ve been warned.

Seriously, though – what the hell is this nonsense? Are we really to believe that the inability of the Leafs to reach the bonus round the past few years is the problem here? shinola01How ’bout the idiots in the financial planning department at the CBC who were, evidently, betting the family farm that Andrew Raycroft would lead the Buds to glory? This kind of causes one to wonder what other excellent financial prestidigitation has been going on behind the scenes at the Mother Corpse. I mean, if nothing else, the fact that they’ve apparently been drawing up budgets that are premised upon the assumption that the Leafs will participate in the playoffs reveals that CBC mucky mucks are unable to distinguish the substance pictured at left from unrelated fecal matter when it comes to hockey and/or that they haven’t even been watching their own programming – anybody who’s popped in for the occasional episode of Hockey Night in Canada when the Leafs are busy coughing up a three-goal third period lead in the last couple of years (and those episodes have been numerous, I tells ya) ought to have at least a passing idea that it might not be terribly prudent to assume that the ACC will still be rockin’ come June.