HiR:tb’s sources have provided a first look at the Montreal Canadiens’ expected new logo, effective immediately:
Don't know if they're made in trees, but Habs forwards are uncommonly small.
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When I was younger, birthdays were an event. As a child, there were parties to be held, loot bags to be distributed, toys to be acquired, opened, assembled and played with, not to mention occasionally repaired immediately thereafter. As a young man, there were social outings with friends to be organized; alcohol to be consumed; hangovers to be survived. Birthdays were significant and complicated social occasions, the enjoyment and success of which were difficult things to evaluate. I am now 43, and things have changed. I have significantly simplified the criteria for assessing the success of a birthday. For a successful birthday, I must:
I am pleased to report that yesterday, Spouse and I managed to go three for three – though it was touch and go on number one there for a while, and it is debatable whether leaving the building at 4:58 really counts as “going home early”. Nevertheless, I prefer to declare the day a success. One more lap around the sun successfully completed. Ladies and gentlemen, Mirinov’s nose has been at it again. I have not yet updated the Project C’est Something NIce main page, but do yourself a favour and click through to learn the secret truth underlying the Canadiens’ offensive strategy. Thanks everybody for all your submissions – I think we’ve got to be getting close to 40 jokes or so now. Please keep ’em coming. I didn’t have much time to put into teh Intarwebs today, but this is my latest contribution to the list:
Was that a dick joke? I think it was! Oh, and I thought of this one too:
Update: Monday July 13, 2009: Just phoned in by friend of the blog the Paris Goose:
…only instead of dollars, I’m begging for jokes. Oh, and I’m not trying to feed starving African children, I’m trying to ensure that we take the piss out of Habs fans. This shouldn’t be hard; it’s not like Gainey hasn’t given us material to work with. Here’s where we’re at: 1/3 of the way there. Thirty four bits have been submitted. I can’t say “34 jokes”, because each one is, uh, “special”. You know, unique like a snowflake or a learning disabled child. If you would permit me a couple of observations at this point:
Once again: your mission, should you choose to accept it (and you should choose to accept it): offer up something “positive” we can say about the Canadiens’ upcoming season. Leave your japes in the comments below. Also – I’m collating all the submissions to date on to a single page – there should be a link to a “Project C’est Something Nice” page at the top left corner of your browser, near the links for home and aboot. You can click on the link at the top of the site’s homepage at any time to get to the complete list of well-wishery. Lastly, I offer up my eighth submission to the project:
Project “C’est Something Nice” continues, and you folk are starting to get the hang of this; there are some heart-warming sentiments being expressed. Remember, we’re shooting for a hundred burns rays of sunshine to send to our rivals. As of right now, we Leaf fans have been able to identify 15 positive things to say about the upcoming Montreal Canadiens’ season. But Habs fans need more love. Oh yes, yes. Much more. Get out your virtual poison pens, people, and leave us a couple more zingers condolence messages in the comments below, won’t you? Again, in the spirit of things, I offer my third contribution to the collection. Here it is:
 My God, I'm a Genius With the 'Shops. No? Update, Friday morning: That’s it, you folks are getting the hang of it, keep ’em coming. Tell your friends too! Here’s my fourth contribution to the project:
There has been much joy and mirth not only in these virtual parts but also elsewhere in the Barilkosphere of late. Brian Burke’s succesful efforts to assemble a Brobdingnagian blueline and to complement it with a Colossus in the crease have been largely responsible for the festive atmosphere in Leafdom. But it has to be said that it is not just the Leafs’ good fortunes that have sparked the positive mojo; also playing a role in Leaf fans’ gleeful anticipation of the coming season are the disasters-in-waiting being presided over by Messrs. Murray and Gainey in Ottawa and Montreal respectively. It cannot be denied that a healthy dose of schadenfreude in relation to our divisional rivals’ struggles is spicing the Blue and White soup of excitement just so, turning this particular dish into a gourmet delicacy upon which the faithful are gratefully gorging themselves. I can’t help but think that we owe our friends in Montreal and Ottawa a debt of gratitude for the enjoyment we’ve received from this most delicious and nourishing meal (trust me, I’m going somewhere with this). Accordingly, I have a proposal, set out in more detail at the end of this post, for a way in which we might show our appreciation for our rivals’ hospitality. But first, a little refresher on the facts.  Even this guy is crying tears for the Habs. Yes, I know it's a gator but I don't have a picture of a crocodile. Sue me. The Senators contributed the first ingredient or two to our delicious repast, first with Dany Heatley’s ridiculous team-chemistry destroying trade demand (followed up expertly by his refusal to waive his no-trade clause upon the conclusion of a trade agreement with Edmonton). Next came that delightfully flavourful moment at the draft, thankfully captured for posterity by TSN cameras and microphones, during which our angry Irish overlord produced, with the unwitting assistance of the beleagured Murray, the most astonishingly public gobsmacking in recorded history. Just a few days ago, Murray put the cherry on top of his part of this concoction, signing the chronically apathetic Alexei Kovalev to a contract so unbelievably lucrative that I originally assumed that the financial figures must have been reported for some reason in pesos. These events, though, have in truth paled in significance when compared to the struggles of one Robert “Bob” Gainey, the manager of generalities in Montreal. On the heels of the “centennial” season that wasn’t, the laughable drive for 25 that ended up as a bug to the Bruins’ windshield and widespread public dissatisfaction with the Habs players (I’m looking at you, Carey Price) and management, Gainey gave Leaf fans another gift or two. In the early hours of free agency, Leafs fans were like disappointed children on Christmas morning (having opened a box containing Colton Orr when the Sedins had been expressly requisitioned of Santa Claus) but Gainey gave us something to focus on and deride: his trade for the enormous contract of a tiny underachieving centreman: Scott Gomez. The trade made no sense, even to Leaf fans, who are especially adept at attempting to piece together the demented and alleged logic underpinning the roster moves of our own organization; why would the Habs take on a massive salary, give up their best young prospect and get back so (literally) little player for their troubles? Just as the startled laughter began to fade over this move, along came the punch line: Gainey apparently designed and built a nuclear powered money-throwing machine that he immediately deployed to assist him in propelling currency at both Mike Cammalleri and Brian Gionta, which currency the two gnome-like wingers quickly stuffed into their tiny pockets. Then the Fun Train really got chugging along as the Leafs signed Mike Komisarek – a big part of the physical presence on the Montreal blueline – and Gainey fired his riposte, an overpayment for defenceman Jaroslav Spacek to the tune of $11.25 million. It was as if the spirit of a drunken, brain-injured John Ferguson Jr. had inhabited Gainey’s body, and (predictably) had begun rampaging through the Habs’ organization like the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man, with nary a Ghostbuster in sight. Fans of the Blue and White couldn’t get enough of this poltergeist’s mischievous destruction. Leaf fans have been wiping away tears of laughter ever since. Sure, Mike Cammalleri is a talented player, and the Leafs even wanted to sign him up to the hometown squad, but Mike Cammalleri is no Steve Austin; he just isn’t a Six Million Dollar Man. Gionta and Gomez were/are also vastly overpaid, but more amusingly – I don’t know if you’ve noticed this – they’re all rather diminutive. It occurred to Leaf Nation – and approximately 100% of the rest of humanity not pulling on the controls of the Hab machinery – that this might not be the best plan ever concocted for success in the National Hockey League. Gentle reader, it’s a known fact that people can be cruel about such things. I am saddened to report that some among the Leaf fans gathered at Pension Plan Puppets even succumbed to their lesser nature and fashioned a jest or two thousand premised upon the central organizing conceit that Montreal Canadiens forwards, this coming season, might be somewhat smaller than average. I have even heard the occasional jape fashioned around the notion that Alexei Kovalev might not exhibit the sort of leadership that even, say for example, a fourth grade hall monitor might. Shocking and misguided, I know. Watching the whole series of events unfold in the Twitterverse, I’ve started to get the feeling that Habs fans were feeling a little down about the whole thing (side note: is there a collective term for Canadiens fans? Is there a “Habs Nation” or are we just sticking with “that bunch of fickle pricks chanting `na na na na’ and singing fucking soccer songs”? Yeah, I thought so.) I started to wonder whether, in the spirit of good karma, we Leaf fans ought not to pitch in to cheer the fuckers up. I got to thinking about the many ways that the Leafs’ free agent signings had improved the general welfare of the universe and it occurred to me that there MUST be something positive, from a wider societal perspective, to say about the Montreal transactions (we know they’re no damn good in terms of improving their chances of winning hockey games, that’s for sure). As for Senators fans, well they’re a bit different. The thing about the Sens fans is, bless their little hearts, they don’t understand how totally screwed their team is. They have, to put it mildly, a problem. I have a suggestion about how to help fix that for them (watch this space in the coming days), but – for now – the immediate concern is our depressed friends in the bleu, blanc et rouge chandails. So here’s my proposal. To thank the Montreal Canadiens and their fans for the part they played in cheering us Leaf fans up, I propose that we come up with a series of 100 simple statements (one for each year in this, the REAL centennial) about the state of the Canadiens’ franchise along the lines of a positive affirmation for our friends. Each statement should delineate some beneficial feature of the Habs’ present predicament that represents a silver lining in the storm clouds gathering over the Bell Centre, along the lines of the model set out below. Let’s collect a hundred such statements (remember, it’s their centennial), package them up with a nice bow, and send them off to our friends at Habs Eyes on the Prize with our compliments; after all, they’ve been so supportive of us during the last few difficult years, I truly feel this is the absolute least we can do. Here’s my first contribution to Project “C’est Something Nice!”:
Feel free to leave your own efforts in the comments below. Let’s make this happen, Leaf fans – I know you have this kind of compassion in your souls. Update, Thursday July 9 8:30 p.m.: Well, folks, we’ve only managed to gather together an even dozen zingers so far. Quite frankly, that’s a Kovalev-ian effort, dammit. We are far, far…erm….”short” of our goal of a century of zingers soothing mottos to package up for the burning cop car/broken windows at the depanneur set. I know there are some of you who have more love to give. Maybe you’re uncertain whether your first attempt at soothing the Gallic pain will hit the mark; no problem, leave a couple of attempts in the comments below. Let’s work this bee-yatch up, yo. My second contribution to the project:
 Citizens of Monstropolis Hope Gustavsson Doesn't Wear Number 2319 Last night, I painted a metaphorical picture of Maple Leafs’ defenceman Francois “Happy Trails” Beauchemin and his bulky blueline brethren as each being rather like a rampaging Godzilla, treating the opposition like so many unfortunate stomped-upon movie extras. Today, Brian Burke brought us a real live Monster; the Toronto Maple Leafs have signed Swedish goaltender Jonas Gustavsson to a one year entry-level contract. For those of you who are heavily medicated, have severe brain injuries, or are Ottawa Senators fans, I will explain slowly and carefully: the nice man who used to wear the yellow and blue hockey sweater has a funny nickname – that’s a name that isn’t his real name, but which people use to refer to him anyway – and that nickname is “Monster”. Yes, that’s right, just like Jason Spezza is known as “Giggles” except, you know, about 100 bajillion times cooler. No doubt Don Cherry will rant that the Leafs have blasphemed by signing a foreign Monster, when good Canadian beasts like Ogopogo or Champ can’t catch a break in the NHL. Cryptozoological curiosities aside, however, I am very much encouraged by today’s news. Not only the Toronto Maple Leafs, but indeed society at large will enjoy many advantages as a result of this development. In an effort to foster reasoned, objective and complete debate about all of the many wide-ranging positive ramifications of this acquisition, Heroes in Rehab: the blog has developed the following Monster quick-reference fact sheet: Benefits of The Monster: a preliminary (but holistic and societal) estimate:FACT: Unless my old Dungeons & Dragons papers have gotten mixed up with these scouting reports, the Toronto Maple Leafs are now the only NHL club whose goaltender shoots left, catches left, and has a fiery breath weapon that does 8d10 damage. Note: simple chronic halitosis doesn’t count as a “breath weapon”, or Henrik Lundqvist (who presumably eats rather a lot of lutefisk) might have qualified here. Gustavsson’s fiery cone of destruction is advantageous because the repeated immolation of Ottawa Senators forwards on national television, in additon to being profoundly entertaining, will teach young children not to crash the crease irresponsibly unless they are willing to man up and make a saving throw with 2d10 or (in the alternative) are impervious to fire. Wait; come to think of it, I might be slightly confused about this one. FACT: Sports headline writers throughout the mainstream media learned of this signing today and instantly burst into tears of joy. They immediately saw that (as a result of the off-the-charts pun potential of Gustavsson’s nickname) they could seriously elevate the already considerable level at which they are just fucking mailing in their work, and that this profound apathy can reliably be expected to continue until the end of Monster’s contract year or until newspapers themselves become officially extinct, whichever comes first. In any case, the world has thus been spared the possibility of these ink-stained wretches having to actually work, becoming unhappy, and going postal on a Mickey D’s while screaming incoherently about not being able to come up with any new foliage-related bon mots. FACT: Rodan and Mothra are now 38% less likely to attack and destroy the Air Canada Centre during a Leaf game – which is good for MLSE and its shareholders, mostly for insurance reasons. Oh, and also, there is also some non-financial (but still desirable for MLSE anyway) benefit to the fact that 18,000 Leaf fans won’t be slaughtered in their seats by giant prehistoric monsters bent on destruction. This is also good for beer sales. FACT: In an unusual move, the National Hockey League will prohibit Blackhawks winger Marian Hossa from even entering the building if and when Jonas Gustavsson is present. This ruling comes as a result of the Brian Berard incident in 2000; apparently, the league is worried that Hossa’s casual approach to stick control might cause a similar injury to the Toronto goaltender. The NHL is determined to avoid the significant embarrassment and notoriety resulting from the inevitable subsequent references to the “One-Eyed Monster” in net for Toronto. The league is reported to be extremely concerned about one nightmare scenario in which a wounded and monocular Gustavsson plays poorly and is replaced during the game, in which case the wags would no doubt scandalously be talking about Ron Wilson pulling the One-Eyed Monster.¹ FACT: It’s 2009 and there’s a worldwide recession in full swing, people. Except that now MLSE has the Monster and cross-promotional marketing and advertising opportunities abound! New Leaf sponsors are expected to include monster.com (hey, I hear they’re so good, they even got Andrew Raycroft a new job – playing hockey!), Monster cable (I suspect somehow related to the washrooms in the ACC), Monster trucks (ACC Zambonis, suitably modified, clear the ice and crush surplus Chevy Cavaliers at centre ice during the intermissions), and the occasional monster movie (Aliens vs. Predators on the ACC Jumbotron at intermission with Gustavsson in goal for the Leafs against Nashville, naturally). Result: Jonas Gustavsson single-handedly saves the global economy. Some will tell you that Gustavsson’s signing is a good one because it gives Brian Burke and the Leafs some depth and flexibility at the goaltending positon with Justin Pogge still apparently developing in the AHL. Some may say that it should have the desirable result, via the natural engine of pre-existing national rivalries and competition for employment, of spurring Finland’s Vesa Toskala to greater achievements in Toronto’s twine tent this season. Should Gustavsson prove himself equal to the job of an NHL starter, some may even say that this signing might provide Brian Burke with the ability to trade a (hopefully) rejuvenated Toskala for some scoring depth at forward while simultaneously retaining the mobile, offensively gifted and musically beloved Tomas Kaberle. This latter achievement, of course, would be the stick and puck managerial equivalent of the loaves and fishes miracle and would legally entitle Brian Burke to slap every other NHL GM in the face whenever he wanted, just for shits and giggles. These are among the various benefits that some hockey analysts will identify in relation to the Jonas Gustavsson signing. But you know better, gentle reader. You know that the real benefit has to do with breath weapons, economic recovery and a significantly reduced risk of annihilation by rampaging mutant dinosaurs. —- ¹Critics will tell you this was a very long way to go for a dick joke, but I stand by my artistic decision-making process.  Francois Beauchmin Introduced at MLSE Press Conference The Maple Leafs signed defenceman Francois Beauchemin, late of the Anaheim Ducks, to a 4 year deal today. The deal brings an annual cap hit of about $3.8 million. I am a huge fan of this signing, for several reasons:
Attaboy Burkie. I see the plan, and I like it. Watching the reaction to the Beauchemin and Komisarek signings in the twitterverse these past few days, I can tell you that your fanbase is definitely loving it too. (Side note: It was absolutely fascinating watching the Beauchemin signing in particular unfold via Twitter today; I saw a tweet that reported the signing, was able to confirm it via Sportsnet, then tweeted about the signing myself and watched as the news spread from person to person via re-tweets. Enjoying the salty tears of disappointment shed by Habs fans despairing of a lost opportunity was especially enjoyable when experienced in real-time. In all seriousness, though, the revolution has come. This is the way we’re going to get our information about things from now on.) If the Leafs can’t land an elite scoring forward or two through trades this year (most likely immediate candidate for dispatch in this regard: Tomas Kaberle; dark horse trade bait: a rejuvenated and repaired Vesa Toskala), I am content to watch the young forwards like Tlusty, Grabovski, Bozak and Hanson try to make their way in the league. Some, if not most, of them will struggle and/or fail, and the team will similarly struggle to score goals. We may continue to lose games, and lose them often. But I’m going to really enjoy watching this team play this year. There will be no easy nights for the Leafs’ opposition. Better still, I can see the foundation of the team being built and I can really foresee now, for the first time in a long time (since JFJ got his mitts on the controls, really) a time in the not-too-distant future when this team will be demanding that it be reckoned with as a legitimate Cup contender. It’s 2:55 a.m. and I still have to get some sleep before rising at 7, loading up the car and heading out the door for a week of fishing with some friends. My wife is the most awesome person in the world for allowing me to do this while she stays behind and heads to the salt mines this coming week. I love her very much and appreciate her understanding. I’m also going to miss a Father’s Day get together with my parents over at my brother and sister-in-law’s place. I regret very much not being able to make the barbecue, but I just can’t pass up this chance to get some much needed R&R in. I hope everyone understands. Happy Father’s Day, Dad, and everybody have fun at the barbecue. And sweetheart, thank you thank you thank you for understanding how much I need to do this. I am going to try to update once or twice from the fishing lodge, assuming the wireless access point wasn’t destroyed by lightning this year.  Not Yet Needed in a Phoenix Courtroom I spent some time this morning (on my coffee break, relax everybody) looking at what Judge Redfield T. Baum had to say about the Phoenix Coyotes bankruptcy proceedings (Odin Mercer at Five for Howling has posted a link to a copy of Judge Baum’s ruling.) Much will be made of this ruling – and properly so – as a huge victory for those intent on keeping the Coyotes in Phoenix (including the Coyotes’ fans, the NHL and one Gary Bettman). Any result that has the effect of delaying an auction and preserving – however temporarily – the status quo concerning relocation rights, transfer fees and the NHL’s procedures in respect of these matters has to be seen as a loss for Balsillie’s side. This is so for many reasons, not the least of which is that Balsillie has lost the advantage of surprise at this point; with the status quo preserved and the relocation train stuck in the station, the NHL has gained an opportunity to organize a competing ownership proposal, one that addresses the league’s concerns and (you can bet your sweet ass) does precious little boat rocking in terms of territorial rights, franchise relocation, etc. My initial sense, though, upon going through this ruling, is that the victory is far from complete for the NHL forces. In particular, it seems likely to me that:
The NHL can’t reject Jim Balsillie as an owner. As to the first point, regarding the change of ownership issue alone (i.e. transfer of the team to Balsillie’s company PSE, absent any consideration of the league’s geographic restrictions essentially requiring the Coyotes to stay in Phoenix), Judge Baum has ruled as follows (at p.8 of the ruling):
This would seem to be a very powerful signal from the court that Balsillie can’t be rejected in good faith by the NHL as an owner, provided that he comes up with an offer for the team that otherwise would conform with the bankruptcy code. As I see it, in this portion of his ruling, the judge has signalled that the race is on – he’s telling the NHL to get its alleged competing bidders together and get them to the table with their best offers, because Mr. Balsillie – if he wants to – can buy this team. The judge is telling the NHL, “You can’t say Mr. Balsillie is an unacceptable owner. You’ve already accepted him in principle into your club.” What’s the big deal about that, you might ask; Balsillie wants a team in Hamilton, not a team in Phoenix. If he can’t move the team, he won’t want to buy it, right? Well, maybe – but maybe not. Click here to continue reading No Fat Lady Yet: Tidbits from the Balsillie/NHL Ruling |
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